What I mean by “boneless”

For those of you with a baby not yet of Boneless Tantrum age, here’s what it reminds me of when a toddler goes from standing upright like a human to a pool of baby parts on the floor. Only, in real life there’s a lot of screaming, crying and public humiliation. Your baby will be upset, too.

 

How to: Crying It Out

Crying It Out, also known as The Ferber Method, really does work. It’s a good thing, too, because you’ll be re-Crying-It-Out every month or so. Blame teething, colds, growth spurts, etc.

I know I’ve been absent lately, but when it comes to Crying It Out, just because I haven’t been blogging doesn’t mean I haven’t been sharing my experiences with the Internet. Here’s an Insta-gem from April, when Suzianne could stand up, but could not figure out how to lay back down:

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Here’s June, when she was positive there was a party in the next room she should have been invited to:

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Most of the time, the Crying It Out training we first initiated back in November 2012 really works. We started it when Suzianne was about seven months old. Thanks to a few nights of wine and standing our ground, we now are able to lay her down in her crib and she’ll fall asleep on her own without incident within 10-15 minutes:  IMG_7510

When that happens, this happens:

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Not pictured: the glasses of craft beer we were enjoying.

Many folks have asked about our Crying It Out formula. Here’s what I did for my baby, who was seven months old at the time. Continue reading

What you missed: tantrums

At the 15 month mark, Suzianne bestowed upon us the blessed gift of toddler drama:

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Fortunately, Suzianne and I were flying cross-country during her first real inconsolable tantrum. That’s right, just a momma, her demon spawn and 130 strangers. And a Bloody Mary in a kids cup with a bendy straw.

For 4.5 hours, we wrestled on and off the seats, up and down the aisle. At one point I Momma Mean Whispered, “you are the reason adults cry when they see babies on a plane.” The woman beside me said, “So true, but I do love her hair.”

Then, as the freakin landing gear lowered, so did her eyelids. I was left with this in my lap for the last 15 minutes of the flight:

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As the evidence actual sleep became clear, a chorus of “You’ve got to be kidding me”‘s echoed throughout the cabin. Yeah, people, tell me about it.

Then, of course, nothing could wake her:

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Woe unto you, parents of 12 – 14 month olds. One day, you’ll wake up to find your 15 month old, formerly happy-go-lucky baby looking at you like a Walking Dead cast member:  IMG_7466

This is the toddler warning shot.

I have no advice for you.

Just be sure you’ve got a fully stocked bar. You’ll also need a flask because most of the tantrums happen in public.

Suzianne is especially prone to playground scream fests. The hallmark these is a Boneless Meltdown, followed by Flailing About In Momma’s Arms, and topped off by the Unbendable Toddler Plank, which prohibits stroller insertion. I don’t have any of that on video because I need every available appendage to keep her from falling and busting her head open.

The good news: this phase only lasted about four weeks. She’s about 16.5 months old now and only really goes boneless when I retrieve her in the mornings. She wants her Daddy, not me. But that’s another post…

What a Zoo

I don’t mean to be critical, but I have a bone to pick with the San Diego Zoo. As card carrying Zoo members, we consider ourselves lucky to be just a few miles away from one of the country’s most famous conservation organizations.

BUT.

When was the last time you were strolling through a zoo and had to move out of the way of The World’s Largest Double Decker Bus every 10 minutes?

It's coming.

It’s coming. (Photo: Flickr user Asim Bharwani)

I’d have taken a photo of my own to show it to you, but I can’t be distracted while trying to peep out the Koala’s AND preparing myself to hurl a 16 month old and anyone’s granny I see out of the path of a BUS rolling through the WALKWAY.

Who’s idea was this? To drive through a sea of slow-moving, face-painted, oblivious-to-anything-not-clinging-to-a-tree sight seekers and tourists. This is not a smart idea.

Until Suzianne actually starts responding to commands like, “Hey, don’t get hit by a bus the size of Manhattan,” we’ll be sticking to Sea World. No busses there. Besides, Sea World gives you these awesome beer glasses to walk around with.

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Which are great to have on hand when your Suzianne’s a snoozin:

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And so…hi! It’s been four months since I’ve blogged. Sorry about that. Welcome back, us. We’ve got quite a bit to catch up on.